I am THIS close to releasing #iHunt: The RPG. In fact, it’ll be out this week most likely. I just have a couple of last-minute things to shore up. But in the mean time, I wanted to share a short teaser snippet of some fiction from the book.
Vampires aren’t the worst.
That’s it. That’s the tweet. They’re not the worst.
With werewolves, one little scratch and you might end up howling at the moon. Demons like to go after your friends and loved ones, possessing them and using them against you. Wizards are pretty much unstoppable so long as they have access to their voice and their hands.
Vampires are just insufferable. Every aspect of them is annoying. Take for example their regeneration. All of them have it. One of the single best things you can do in a fight with a vampire is take out their fangs. There’s two different reasons depending on the type of vampire you’re fighting. Some of them have this trick where they bite you and you go limp with euphoria. They have this moment where you’re stuck in orgasmic pleasure and, well, they fucking kill you. The others have venom that shuts down your nervous system and dissolves your blood vessels from the inside out, turning your innards into mush. Both of those scenarios are bad. So, you smash a vampire’s fangs. But with their regeneration, you have maybe ten to thirty seconds after you smash their fangs until they get a new pair.
This is annoying as shit. You have to smash them over and over if you don’t want to risk being bitten.
“God damn it! I’m tied to a chair! How am I going to bite you? And who are you even talking to?!” The vampire screams right after I smash him in the face with the business end of a 2 x 4 for… I’m just going to estimate the forty seventh time.
“I’m talking to the audience, asshole. And don’t try to convince me you can’t bite through those ropes.”
“They’re CHAINS!” He screams.
I pause to consider that. “You know. You’re right. They are chains, and you definitely can’t bite through them. That’s on me. And I’m sorry.”
“I accept your apology. So that means you’re not going to kill me?”
I furrow my brow and stare at him for a moment.
“You’re still going to kill me?”
“It’s a money thing, isn’t it?”
“What are they paying you? I can pay you more.”
I think for a moment then pull out my phone to check the #iHunt app. “Twelve thousand.”
His eyes go wide. “Twelve thousand? Someone really wants me dead, don’t they?”
I shrug, then nod.
“Was it the orphanage? Oh my god, it was the orphanage. Look, I didn’t mean to—”
“What orphanage?” I cut him off.
“What orphanage?” He forces out a weak chuckle. “I didn’t say anything about an orphanage.”
I cross my arms and stare at him.
“Um. Okay. So, I was delivering some Christmas presents for orphans, when there was this mob guy there and…”
He looks up at me. I keep crossing my arms and staring at him.
“Not gonna work?” He winces.
I shake my head. Then I get my machete off the table.
You see? Vampires? Totally insufferable. They can’t even die with dignity. They beg. They struggle. They fucking whine.
“God damn it, who are you talking to?!”
Really, the best parts of the hunt are getting to this point.
To do that, we’re going to have to rewind about two days.
Meet me in Chapter Thirteen.